i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
