so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
