the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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