you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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