I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
