The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
