So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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