apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
