Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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