just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My liver just broke up with me...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
