i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
