I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This is the high leading the old right now
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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