I hate your face
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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