Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
