Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
