sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
