ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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