I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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