You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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