Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
