now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
