the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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