you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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