I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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