i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
