dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
