if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
