There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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