woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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