He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
