did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
