yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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