Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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