My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
