Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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