I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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