If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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