I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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