the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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