I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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