one word: firstdatebathroomanal
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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