I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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