Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
