I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
