my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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