remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
