I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
