sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
