I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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