dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
